Spam Musibi and Donkey Balls

Being midway between the U.S. and Japan creates some interesting foodstuffs. Spam musibi is one. Who’da thunka combining all-American mystery meat with the pompous Japanese art of sushistry? Well, after millions of K-rations made it to the islands during World War 2, the pork-loving locals got a taste for Hormel’s gelatinous canned concoction, SPAM. Yes, their trademark suggests you capitalize the entire word, sort of like GWAR! (exclamation point optional).

The Spam is fried (fuck you, Hormel!) and sometimes flavored with teriyaki. It is served hot, preferably from a 7-11 counter for a mere $1.50; two of them make a rather filling meal. If they hid vegetables in there somehow you’d have a perfect meal on the run, since I’m unsure how much nutritional value the thin seaweed wrapper can hold. It’s very tasty, and warm sushi rice molded into a brick is a lot more appealing than it seems. If the thin slice of Spam leaves you wanting, they make double meat versions, too. You owe it to yourself to try this in Hawaii.

Another thing they save for tourists is donkey balls. These are dark chocolate flavor, from a brown donkey, I guess. They’re chocolate-covered macadamia nuts, thankfully.

Playing with my balls again.

If you’re daring enough to delve through dandruff, they have coconut-chocolate ones, called flaky balls.
Like a chocolate jawbreaker, these will make you appreciate the talents of boa constrictors and porn starlets. Once you get past the gag reflex you’re in for a taste explosion that is worth the trouble.

And a cute donkey mascot.

So whenever you’re reminiscing about Chef’s song on South Park and want to put some Salty Chocolate Balls in your mouth, grab a bag of these and a salt shaker, I guess. The chocolate is pretty good, the nuts are nothing to write home about. The wasabi macnuts I got from Hilo Coffee Mill, on the other hand, are incredible. They deliver to the mainland, so if you crave chocolate macadamias, skip the donkey balls and give the Coffee Mill’s a try. Firecracker bought a bag and they’re worth the higher price.

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