Cape and Battle Axe, how I have missed thee

Who thought it was a good idea to get kids used to lie detectors? That’s damn creepy, isn’t it? What’s next, the Fisher Price My First FBI Wiretap Kit? Makes me want to wear a tin foil hat. But kids today got it good. I’ve already whined that in the ’70s, when we wanted to have a make believe lightsaber battle, we had to use these things called “sticks,” or if we were lucky, cardboard tubes. After a few blows, they’d unravel into twirled ribbons of flaccid impotence. Now they have Force FX lightsabers with sound effects, that do everything like the ones in the movies except sever people’s limbs.

On “Modern Family” last week, the kid Luke was swinging a Nerf Battle Axe around. Firecracker was laughing at the joke, but I was apoplectic. “Why didn’t someone tell me they had those things!?” I went to Target today, and got one. Why? Because when I was a kid, if you wanted to whack your friends in the head, you had to use a throw pillow. (Actually I knew someone who used a cinder block, but hopefully he is in jail now, since he was nuttier than squirrel turds.) I got a Nerf longsword too. I can’t wait to pull it from behind the couch and bellow, “By the power of Greyskull!!” next time Milky is over. So now I’m torn over what to dress up as for the Halloween party Saturday. I can go as Paul Rudd from Role Models now, if I get KISS makeup and some fake armor. Or I can get a black cape, and go as MYSELF from high school, when I showed up for my first game of Dungeons & Dragons at a friend’s house, with my Renaissance Faire cape (made from $3 worth of velvet) and the sheet metal battle axe I paid $50 for there. It bent as soon as I chopped the lawn with it.

My original plan was to wear a Mardi Gras mask and get a black cloak, and go as one of the partygoers from EYES WIDE SHUT, but I doubt Firecracker wants to go naked in high heels as one of the escort girls from the movie. Besides, it will probably be cold. I can go as both, and remove my mask to reveal KISS makeup when there are no Kubrick fans around, and put it back on to be the urbane elitist if no one at the party stooped to seeing ROLE MODELS. So, win-win.

© 2010 Tommy Salami