Look out the window, the world ended or something.

I hate April Fool’s Day.

Why’s that, Tommy? Can’t we lie and laugh about it for one day?

No. You want to know why?

Because we lie every day and laugh about it. We tell ourselves that we can’t change the world. It is what it is. That’s just the way it is. What ya gonna do?

And that my friend, is a steaming spoonful of grass-fed organic bullshit.

The truth is we don’t want to change things. We’re lazy and comfortable and if some poor people over there have to live in indentured servitude so I can buy cheap, pretty, disgustingly mealy tomatoes, well, I’m okay with that. If some Russian girl gets tricked into thinking she’s gonna wait tables in New York City and instead she’s choking on dirty drunk men’s cocks in the back of a strip club paying off a debt to mobsters she can never clear, because they’ll press a hot iron to her mother’s face back home if she tries to run, well that’s okay. I like seeing girls swing on poles and pretend they like me. Here, have a dollar. Ha ha, you should have gone to college. It’s great to be male!

We don’t even believe what we believe because we know it is true, because we researched it, read it, saw it, experienced it. We believe it because it’s what we are told to believe if we want to be who we are, the guy who drives a sweet car that doesn’t destroy the planet too badly, who drinks brand X because some dead celebrity did once, who believes in FREEDOM because he’s gullible enough to think if our freedom meant two squirts of donkey piss the powers would actually let us have it, that the government is scared of an armed citizenry when they have nukes, chemical weapons and will rain white phosphorus on your city and call you terrorists if your piddly-ass militia was frightening in any way shape or form. That you wouldn’t shit or go blind after they cut the power, the water, blockaded the roads and defoliated the forest, and let their drone pilots play Galaga with your children as targets. Really. Grow up.

But you need the lie, that illusion of freedom, the delusion of control, if you’re going to be productive. You need just enough fear to obey and just enough slack on the leash to think you’re free. You need to think you came up with your ideas and they aren’t based on twenty years of marketing and television and headlines that shape the images you come up with when they say “combatant” or “thug” or “beautiful” or “innocent” or “taxpayer” or “happiness.”

So yeah, your joke about who died, who’s pregnant, your photoshopped picture of North Korean tanks breaking down before they could reach the DMZ, your Rick Astley video (which I’m kinda nostalgic for already) or whatever hoax you’re gonna think is so clever today is just there to make you feel smarter than the people who have owned you since birth and are waiting to squeeze every dollar out of you before they allow the feeding tube to be removed.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Happy