Do not drink and ensorcel unwholesome beings from the nether plane.

Take my quiz,

Brands of Single Malt Scotch or Elder Gods of the Lovecraft Mythos?

Only a true scholar of the dark arts and complete drunkard knows for sure…

Buy this glass on etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/199026145/cthulhu-pint-glass
Buy this glass on etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/199026145/cthulhu-pint-glass

Tripadvisor reviews of the Overlook Hotel

My humor piece “Tripadvisor reviews of the Overlook Hotel” is today’s feature on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. That’s the hotel from The Shining, in case you were wondering. If you need a little funny this morning, go have a look. I’m proud of this one. Thanks to Erin Z. for the encouragement with the idea to write this.

© 2011 Thomas Pluck

Items Found Clogging the Colonic Irrigation Machine

Items Found Clogging the Colonic Irrigation Machine:

311 wads bubblegum
212 fingernail crescents
113 Pop Rocks and/or pebbles of aquarium gravel
91 petrified spitballs
82 pieces dry elbow macaroni
73 baby teeth
65 chewed wax lip pellets
53 pistachio shell shards (21 red, 32 plain)
44 orthodontic rubber bands
32 beef jerky shreds
31 pink pencil erasers
29 gnawed pen cap stems
22 insect (spider?) legs
19 dental fillings
18 fossilized Play-Doh globules
12 Legos (or Lego, whatever)
11 marbles (swirly)
9 Barbie shoes
8 adult teeth
7 marbles (solid)
6 thumbtacks
5 plastic whistles
5 gray erasable pen erasers
4 swizzle stick knobs
4 superball chunks
4 cigarette filters
3 Duplo bricks
3 latex condoms
2 pacifier nubs
2 severed Darth Vader action figure heads
2 thimbles
2 jacks
1 goldfish skeleton
1 sheepskin condoms (yuck)
1 metal whistle
1 cigarette holder
1 orange snake that came with Yoda (sell this on ebay)
1 plastic sandwich bag (presumably used as an emergency condom)
1 John Wayne-worthy red meat residue stocking
1 Diamond or cubic zirconia, pending certification, approx. 1.75 carat
1 fly
$2.37 in loose change, including two Canadian nickels

since McSweeney’s rejected this for their “Lists” column, I share this with you…

© 2011 Thomas Pluck

Cape and Battle Axe, how I have missed thee

Who thought it was a good idea to get kids used to lie detectors? That’s damn creepy, isn’t it? What’s next, the Fisher Price My First FBI Wiretap Kit? Makes me want to wear a tin foil hat. But kids today got it good. I’ve already whined that in the ’70s, when we wanted to have a make believe lightsaber battle, we had to use these things called “sticks,” or if we were lucky, cardboard tubes. After a few blows, they’d unravel into twirled ribbons of flaccid impotence. Now they have Force FX lightsabers with sound effects, that do everything like the ones in the movies except sever people’s limbs.

On “Modern Family” last week, the kid Luke was swinging a Nerf Battle Axe around. Firecracker was laughing at the joke, but I was apoplectic. “Why didn’t someone tell me they had those things!?” I went to Target today, and got one. Why? Because when I was a kid, if you wanted to whack your friends in the head, you had to use a throw pillow. (Actually I knew someone who used a cinder block, but hopefully he is in jail now, since he was nuttier than squirrel turds.) I got a Nerf longsword too. I can’t wait to pull it from behind the couch and bellow, “By the power of Greyskull!!” next time Milky is over. So now I’m torn over what to dress up as for the Halloween party Saturday. I can go as Paul Rudd from Role Models now, if I get KISS makeup and some fake armor. Or I can get a black cape, and go as MYSELF from high school, when I showed up for my first game of Dungeons & Dragons at a friend’s house, with my Renaissance Faire cape (made from $3 worth of velvet) and the sheet metal battle axe I paid $50 for there. It bent as soon as I chopped the lawn with it.

My original plan was to wear a Mardi Gras mask and get a black cloak, and go as one of the partygoers from EYES WIDE SHUT, but I doubt Firecracker wants to go naked in high heels as one of the escort girls from the movie. Besides, it will probably be cold. I can go as both, and remove my mask to reveal KISS makeup when there are no Kubrick fans around, and put it back on to be the urbane elitist if no one at the party stooped to seeing ROLE MODELS. So, win-win.

© 2010 Tommy Salami

Hank Hill and the Number of the Beast

I promised if I got 666 followers, I’d record Hank Hill singing Iron Maiden’s “The Number of the Beast.” I do a passable impression of the King of the Hill, so here he is finding Bobby’s Satanic record collection.

© 2010 Tommy Salami

so metal

Glenn Danzig buying kitty litter. For his fucking metal kitty cats.

© 2010 Tommy Salami

a friendly game of corn hole

Some friends told me their neighbors invited them over for a friendly game of corn hole. I thought swinger couples disappeared in the early ’80s, but it turns out this is an Irish bean bag game.You try to toss the bean bag through the hole. It gets its name because the “bean” bag was original filled with dry corn kernels. But it still makes it hard to keep a straight face with aged Irish men tell you about all the corn holing they’ve been up to. In Ireland, anal sex is known as “hackey sack.”

© 2010 Tommy Salami